I HATE COLLEGE

So I really hate college or let me say I really hate this so called education, but i find myself here still. I find myself staring out the window during a lecture in boredom, I find myself staring at the ceiling looking for an escape, I find myself twitching out of frustration. I find myself wondering how did I get here, do I want to be here and why am I really here. I’ll tell you its very plain and simple I hate college, I hate the routine, I hate the rules, I hate the controlled environment. It forces you to conform to different tasks in order to get the ultimate reward, the ultimate ‘A’. It also fucks with your mind and makes you believe that getting this A, is the only thing that matters in the world. It’s like that diamond, you have to dig really deep to get, you get the precious stone depending on how well you dig, how determined you are in finding that stone. If you get tired and quit, well you don’t get the stone. You fail, you have failed.
I am in this institution that feels like prison not only physically but in my mind because I know I can’t get out. I want to quit but I can’t quit, I am not supposed to quit because I am carrying the weight of a lot of people on my shoulders and I don’t want to slip and hurt them. They are my parents, they are only two but their worries feels like the weight of the world, on my tiny skinny shoulders and I have to carry them. I have to look into eyes and pretend that I like school, I have to look into their eyes and assure them that I will do well, that I will not fail in school, that I will not fail them.
I am in this prison because of them, I am in this prison because I want them to be happy, I want them to show their friends the paper (certificate) that I worked my ass for. So that they can say at least I have a son like this. I am here because they have done so much for me and I am so very afraid to hurt them.
So yes, I will stay in prison for one more year, so yeah I will behave myself so I get out on time. I will try my very best to read the bullshit even though, I know in my heart of hearts I do not want to read it. I will try and crack that equation even though I know I am going to be very happy doing something else but it does not change that fact that I hate school, I hate this so called education. I hate college.

THE FEAR.

Over the years I am not afraid to say I have become fearful, particularly as I have gotten older. Fear of getting older ,fear of responsibility, fear that I am not a freaking child anymore, fear of love, fear of commitment. But nothing has plagued me more than the fear of being a nothing in the future. The fear of not making it, the fear of being a loser, i have this dream to become this huge rock star and honestly although I have tried to defend it, deep within my heart of hearts i see that dream diminishing as the years go by.
I can remember vividly reading about Nneka( a Nigerian artiste), and then I heard that she was on David Letterman, she had also landed gigs all over America. I said to myself this Nigerian like me has made it. Her success immediately forced me to look at myself, at my life, will I accomplish these things too, will I be on David letterman. I can smile and pretend that I know but deep within me i do not know, do not know where I am going, do not know what the future holds for me. I feel like trapped like I am in this deep tunnel and cannot get out. I feel out of breath and asphyxiated when I think about what i hope to achieve but have not achieved. When I read about anyone who is supposed be as young as i am, or even younger do something grand, i turn to myself and ask myself so when are we going to do this. Are we going to do this?.I am afraid of not becoming all these things that I so badly want to become.
I am afraid of being ordinary and regular, of not making an impact or doing something great. I am afraid that if I do not get to be what I want to be, I will be questioned by me, by others, by life. Do not get me wrong, I have not and will never give up; I have also not backed down and allowed life to beat me down. I will keep on dreaming and working on my dream but even that will not erase the fear that is eating out my heart and burning the core depth of my soul.
Oasis the British rock band says ‘’May be I will never be all the things I want to be, this is not the time to cry this is the time to find out why’’. I feel like this song speaks to the very being of me. In finding out WHY, I am going through the mountains of fear, and the rivers of doubt, but they will not get me. I will strive and be victorious.
I am me now and I am scared of the future, scared of the unknown, scared.