I KNOW WHO KILLED ME.

My name is Jim Huckleberry growing up, I think I always knew what I wanted to be, I was young, I was innocent, I saw the world in light blue and pink. I was happy, I was enthusiastic I looked at life as sweet as caramel chocolate and as soft as silk. I would stand in front of the mirror with a comb in my hand singing to the music of prince and Michael Jackson. Oh yea I know who i wanted to be, I wanted to be like them, to be an artiste, an artist, a performer, an interpreter, I wanted to express myself and my art on a worldwide stage. I wanted to be invisible yet known around the world.
As I grew older I become aware, and afraid and foolish. I started to know right from wrong and boundaries and reality and hate and love. I started to experience unhappiness not only from myself but from other people around. The world was not light blue and pink anymore the world was black, so dark and so black. It was strong enough to erase light and possibilities and hopes and dreams. And yea I did try to hold that comb and stand in front of that mirror and listen to prince and Micheal Jackson. But this time, I now felt foolish, the age of innocent was so far gone, I was not six year old anymore, I was now foolish and Aware.
I died when I made a life changing decision to move away from my dreams, and be a slave to society. I can remember when I talked to the woman that bore me about what I wanted to do with my life. She did not have to discourage me or beg me to go to college, to go to school, not to disappoint her, not embarrass her, I could see it in her shinny brown eyes. I could see and feel her concerns and her fear and her love. I melted and I now became afraid and concerned not for myself of course but for her, I nodded my head in agreement shut down and died. At that moment I had killed and buried myself.
I resurrected at 24 years old after growing up again, and seeing the world in a new light having passed through different phases, seeing different people. I missed what I used to loved and decided it was time to awaken, and take a second chance and look at life. I decided to go after the things I really loved, I decided I did not want to be dead anymore. I wanted to live, I wanted to love. I wanted to arise and smell the possibilities and the hopes and joy that life has to offer. I wanted to hold that comb in my hand once again while standing in front of the mirror and not feel so aware and foolish again. I could feel it in my body and in my bones that I was alive again, I was not longer scared or afraid. I thought that is growing up not finding that courage to be foolish and not giving a care in the world? I was buried in the cold soil of doubt, fear and weakness and awoken, to removing the cobwebs of wasted years and hopes, and wiping off the dust of dreams. I am Jim huckleberry and I am alive now, and most importantly I know who killed me it was me.

BEAUTIFUL CAPTIVITY.

Why do you possess me,
Why do you hold on to my being so tight and won’t let go.
Why do you feel my head, and possess my heart.
Why do you occupy my soul, so I think of nothing more, only of you.
Why are you so insecure.
Have i not told you, have i not promise, have i not reassured you that I belong to you.
But you still choose to torture me, and bring me to yourself.
I am sorry i stay away from you,
I am sorry i pushed you away.
But i am here now, I allow you to possess me, I allow you to torture me
I allow you to occupy my head and possess my soul.
I allow you to grab my face and stare into my shiny eyes telling me, I belong to you.
I love feeling the pain of your fire and the comfort of your cool breeze.
I love being captured by you
I love being into you and you into me.
I love you music and I will never let you go.

I HATE COLLEGE

So I really hate college or let me say I really hate this so called education, but i find myself here still. I find myself staring out the window during a lecture in boredom, I find myself staring at the ceiling looking for an escape, I find myself twitching out of frustration. I find myself wondering how did I get here, do I want to be here and why am I really here. I’ll tell you its very plain and simple I hate college, I hate the routine, I hate the rules, I hate the controlled environment. It forces you to conform to different tasks in order to get the ultimate reward, the ultimate ‘A’. It also fucks with your mind and makes you believe that getting this A, is the only thing that matters in the world. It’s like that diamond, you have to dig really deep to get, you get the precious stone depending on how well you dig, how determined you are in finding that stone. If you get tired and quit, well you don’t get the stone. You fail, you have failed.
I am in this institution that feels like prison not only physically but in my mind because I know I can’t get out. I want to quit but I can’t quit, I am not supposed to quit because I am carrying the weight of a lot of people on my shoulders and I don’t want to slip and hurt them. They are my parents, they are only two but their worries feels like the weight of the world, on my tiny skinny shoulders and I have to carry them. I have to look into eyes and pretend that I like school, I have to look into their eyes and assure them that I will do well, that I will not fail in school, that I will not fail them.
I am in this prison because of them, I am in this prison because I want them to be happy, I want them to show their friends the paper (certificate) that I worked my ass for. So that they can say at least I have a son like this. I am here because they have done so much for me and I am so very afraid to hurt them.
So yes, I will stay in prison for one more year, so yeah I will behave myself so I get out on time. I will try my very best to read the bullshit even though, I know in my heart of hearts I do not want to read it. I will try and crack that equation even though I know I am going to be very happy doing something else but it does not change that fact that I hate school, I hate this so called education. I hate college.

THE FEAR.

Over the years I am not afraid to say I have become fearful, particularly as I have gotten older. Fear of getting older ,fear of responsibility, fear that I am not a freaking child anymore, fear of love, fear of commitment. But nothing has plagued me more than the fear of being a nothing in the future. The fear of not making it, the fear of being a loser, i have this dream to become this huge rock star and honestly although I have tried to defend it, deep within my heart of hearts i see that dream diminishing as the years go by.
I can remember vividly reading about Nneka( a Nigerian artiste), and then I heard that she was on David Letterman, she had also landed gigs all over America. I said to myself this Nigerian like me has made it. Her success immediately forced me to look at myself, at my life, will I accomplish these things too, will I be on David letterman. I can smile and pretend that I know but deep within me i do not know, do not know where I am going, do not know what the future holds for me. I feel like trapped like I am in this deep tunnel and cannot get out. I feel out of breath and asphyxiated when I think about what i hope to achieve but have not achieved. When I read about anyone who is supposed be as young as i am, or even younger do something grand, i turn to myself and ask myself so when are we going to do this. Are we going to do this?.I am afraid of not becoming all these things that I so badly want to become.
I am afraid of being ordinary and regular, of not making an impact or doing something great. I am afraid that if I do not get to be what I want to be, I will be questioned by me, by others, by life. Do not get me wrong, I have not and will never give up; I have also not backed down and allowed life to beat me down. I will keep on dreaming and working on my dream but even that will not erase the fear that is eating out my heart and burning the core depth of my soul.
Oasis the British rock band says ‘’May be I will never be all the things I want to be, this is not the time to cry this is the time to find out why’’. I feel like this song speaks to the very being of me. In finding out WHY, I am going through the mountains of fear, and the rivers of doubt, but they will not get me. I will strive and be victorious.
I am me now and I am scared of the future, scared of the unknown, scared.

CRAZY DREAM.

Josh is strapped to a gurney and willed into the asylum, he tries to talk to someone, but they all have straight faces dressed in white, and minding their own business. He tries to look into their eyes but they are not looking at him, they are trying to get him into the ward and move on to the next patient. If he struggles and gives the nurses any trouble, he would be injected and placed in a special room. This is to ensure he does not harm to himself or others. Josh is aware of what might happen if he struggles or tries to tell them that they are making a big mistake, he is indeed sane and could not figure out what he was doing there. “Its okay shhh…., it’s alright Mr. Josh you’ll feel better in no time. ‘’ said a nurse.
As josh approaches the ward he eventually tries to reason with them, and tell them he was not crazy, that he did not know how he got to the institution. The nurses saw this as a rant and that he was indeed insane, they told him he will get better and when he became aggressive they gave him the other option. He was going to be strapped in a straight jacket and locked in a room for about two days he will not be allowed out, and no one will be allowed to come in. He was going to be in prison state. After being told this he became calm but still told them that he was normal and that he wanted to go home.
He was scheduled to see the doctor to be examined; Mr. Cheney, the doctor was tall with gray hair and bright eyes and a really calm but strong voice.
Mr. Cheney- Hi Mr.…… ahhh( he looks through his file)……. Josh hemming worth, am I right?
Josh- Yes (stuttering)…..yes sir
Mr. Cheney- my name is Edward Cheney but you can call me Ed.
Josh- josh nods, why am I here
Mr. Cheney- you tell me, why do you think you are here
Josh- I am not crazy, but obviously you think I am
Mr. Cheney – Nobody thinks you are crazy we are just here to examine you that’s all. (With a warm smile)
Mr. Cheney- how did you get here?
Josh- I don’t know
Mr. Cheney- where are you from?
Josh- with tears in his eyes, I don’t know. All I know is I am not crazy; you have got to believe me
Mr. Cheney (puts his hand on josh shoulder’s)- it’s alright, it’s okay these things happen but after medication and therapy u’ll be fine and you will remember everything.
Josh(hits Mr. Cheney’s hand away and becomes Aggressive)- I don’t need any fucking medication I am fine, I just don’t know who I am or where I am from, I just know my name and that’s it. You have been a doctor for like what……..20, 25 fucking years and you still can’t see I am not fucking insane.
Josh goes close and holds Mr. Cheney’s shirt you have got to fucking help me, please. The security and other doctors hear the commotion from the room and come to get josh. They pull him away from the doctor, josh kicking and screaming tells the doctor to tell them to let him go. The doctor just turns to him and says everything will be fine. Josh knows they are going to strap him with a stray jacket and put him in isolation. His heart is beating, he is screaming and the same time he is helpless as they are about five doctors holding him down about to put the jacket on him and inject him, then he was to be taken to the isolation room. He shouts and screams I am not crazy….he also repeats this words inside of himself in panic. I am not crazy, I am not crazy, I am not crazy. Then all of a sudden he feels a shake, covered in sweat and still shaky, he opens his eyes. He was not crazy, just dreaming and Eric, his best friend just woke him up.

DOUBT

It tells me that I am not good enough, not brave enough, not strong enough.
It tells me I will not do it.
It limits me puts fear in my heart and burns the core of my soul.
It cripples me and brings me down, forces me to the ground, I am so ashamed I cannot walk.
It chokes me, sucks the life out of me. I speak my mouth moves but I don’t hear a sound.
It ceases my breath and I cannot breathe. I try to break free, I try to survive but I am fighting for the being of me
It gets into my head, and controls my thought all I can see is fear. Dressed in lies and crowned in deceit, staring me in the face.
It blinds me; all I see is a black wall of impossibilities
I need to kill it, I need to stand up, and grab a stake and drive it into its heart
I need to feel its dry blood splash across my face.
I need to look into its dark eyes and see it tremble
I need to bestow unto it the same fear, it bestowed on me
I need to win
I need to bring down DOUBT; it will not bring me down.

THE UNSEEN.

Rachel Zoë was no doubt haunted. She was tormented, unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to feel. There was something wrong, she would always dread going to bed at night, she could not close her eyes in an attempt to fall asleep. Rachel Zoë was haunted by a creature that was after her life, it would come only at night when she was about to fall asleep and strangle her till she was out of breath and choking. Her parents were aware of this and would always hear her scream every night and when they rush to her room, they often found her on the floor crying hysterically and trying to catch her breath. They did not understand what was happening to their child and they felt helpless because there was nothing they could do to save her.
They both decided that she come and sleep in their room where they could keep a close watch on her. Rachel Zoë now abandons her room to sleep with her parents and it works. She no longer felt any creature trying to strangle her, she also no longer felt that crippling fear anymore. She had gotten rid of the monster after all, she was now free.
Rachel Zoë decides she can now stay in her room, she no longer felt like any monster was after her life. She also did not feel anyone strangling her, she also did not feel out of breath, she was fine now. Her parents agree and let her stay in her room and that night, she felt it again a hand strangling her, she tries to pull the hand away but it’s so much stronger. This time her heart is beating and she now feels the hand squeezing the life out of her. She eventually got the hand away from her throat, and she was on the floor gasping the breath, her mum feels like there is something wrong and goes to check on her, she sees her on the floor with her hands on her throat.
Her parents suggest she stay with them, she was their only child and they were afraid for her life. Rachel Zoë decides to face her fears, to face this creature and to end this craziness once and for all. She decides she was going to stay in her own room and put a knife under her pillow and put an end to the creature.
When it gets dark and is time for her to go to bed, she does exactly what she planned. She put a knife under her pillow and waits for the creature; she waits in anticipation but eventually drifts off to sleep. Then the hand comes again and it reaches for her throat and begins strangling her, it strangles her so much she is out of breath and suffocating. Rachel Zoë gathers strength and fights back, fights for her life. She grabbed the knife under her pillow and put a deep cut in the hand that was threatening to take her life.
The hand lets go of her throat and there is blood everywhere, she rushes to put on the light and finds out she has cut her own hand. Her parents rushed to her room, they had heard the commotion from their room.
They find their daughters hand bleeding, she was shaking and could not even speak with tears in her eyes and seeing her own blood. She realizes she was the creature, she was the monster, she was the shadow that wanted to end her life. She was the unseen.

THE LIFE AND DEATH AND LIFE AGAIN OF JACK BROWNE.

It was a cold Tuesday night and Jack Browne had decided to end his miserable life, he was beat down, broken and depressed. Jack Browne felt overwhelming pressure to live up to his parents, society’s and also life’s expectation. Life had been unfair to him; nothing had really worked out for him. He often felt as though the walls were closing in on him, he felt he could not breathe, he felt he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Jack also felt unloved and was not in love that probably made his decision to end his life easier. How was he supposed to be this successful, intelligent superhuman that his family hoped he would be when he was a failure. He was not doing well in school, he was not doing well in pretty much anything. Jack could not find just one thing he was passionate about, something he really wanted more than anything else, something he saw himself doing in the future

Jack thought of different ways to commit suicide. At first he thought of jumping off a bridge, with a heavy heart and feeling like his skinny legs weighed more than his whole body, he walked and finally approached the bridge. He looked down and with blurry vision that was caused by the tears that filled his eyes he saw the river below. Jack could not do jump, as much as he wanted to end his life he could somehow not bring himself to do it.

He tried hanging himself and dying by asphyxiation, but his hands were so shaky he could not even tie a knot in the rope to hang himself. He decided he was going to get a gun and eventually kill himself. He said to himself “one finger on the trigger and then boom”. He will be gone before he knew it. He did eventually get a gun and hid it, jack waited until everyone was gone and locked himself up in his room. His hands shaky, his palms sweaty, he loaded the gun. He put just one bullet in the gun just enough to put him out of his misery.

He pointed the gun to his head, with a finger on the trigger, and a second a way from death he had already made up his mind. This was the day he was going to leave this world, this was the day his pain, sorrow and confusion will end, and this was the day that no one will expect anything from him. He was going to be dead. He mustered enough courage with his heart beating, and his mouth drying up he pulled the trigger and then he heard a loud shot. Jack went blank for a second that felt like an hour, he could not hear or even feel anything. In this state he saw his life flash before his eyes, if he killed himself he would have denied himself that chance to become a better person; To turn his life around, to figure out what he really wanted out of life, to achieve his goals, to make his parents proud and also to be proud of himself. Then finally he realized that he was still holding the gun, he had not pulled the trigger and he was still standing and still breathing.

It then occurred to Jack that he had killed himself he had beating himself down, he had allowed life to beat him down. He had allowed himself to believe that he could not be any better than who he was. He has allowed himself to believe that death was a way out.

This was the turning point in jack browne’s life. He decided to be a better person, he decided to get the very best out of this unfair and cruel world. He decided to live.

ROCK AND ROLL VS CORPORATE SUIT.

As i get older i think about what the future holds for me, where i am going to be in three years, four years, may be even five years time.I wonder if i am going to be that business guy with a nice suit from tom ford, white crisp calvin klein shirt and patent black leather shoes from prada. In the office drinking black coffee and looking over a pile of files on my desk and trying to answer a phone call all at the same time. Fast forward ffiteen years later working in the same office, drinking the same coffee looking at the same people and wondering what i might have done differently in my life. Will i be the advertising agent trying to sell an idea to a bunch of executives i dont know, smile at them even when i dont like them, look into their eyes and hope they buy my lie or truth. Will i be the singer in a band and feel the rush, people shouting and screaming waiting for me to work my magic while my heart beats and my mouth dries up and as i hold the microphone in my shaky hands, i hope and pray that they like whatever comes out of my mouth. Sometimes we know who we want to be and what we want to become and sometimes we choose our path, or our parents chooses, or life chooses for us. The most important thing is to hope that our dreams and aspirations come to reality and that it gives us that freedom that we so crave and desire.